i just found this blog entry from 2012 and honestly its so funny it reminds me of those posts that are like “*makes out with a girl* no homo”

*fasts for a month* but you guys im not muslim

like okay 2012 sibyl

im done being sad about it for my own sake but i hate that its so common

when i was little i thought it was just this really extreme circumstance that id never have to contend with and i liked that better i wish that was true

i think that what was bugging me earlier was almost that i WISH i WAS lying to myself and being an adult DOESN’T mean that i have more or less a handle on my problems i like almost WANT to still be vulnerable over it just so that someone can react appropriately to me as a sad and scared kid, but honestly the book is already written ob that one. i will never, ever have had that and now it’s too late for me.

but maybe that isnt true maybe the most accurate answer isnt necessarily the most depressing. like B reacted pretty damn appropriately and M honestly handles it really well. plus i mean i just dont spend very much time being vulnerable. that isnt a condition inherent to me, it’s just that isn’t where my life is now. i’m a caretaker and a role model. and honestly kind of a public figure. i just don’t have a space for that right now, i don’t have a space for a lot of things i want to do and this isnt that much different.

anyway im going to sleep

im laughin im makin it sound like im losin sleep and stressin like hardcore and lashin out at people when really when i say im stressed i mean i feel guilty for not being able to maintain like five conversations at once but honestly i could use a hug irl

i actually have a friend date w someone irl on wednesday im so excited for it really

im going through a like three day period of like…. whats the opposite of a fast. like no acts of worship. no prayers or anything except like a lot of astaghfar for not praying otherwise and stuff.

there was a period a few years ago where i was utterly convinced that it was like 100% up to me to like Save The World and like i was like 19 years old so of course i did a horrible job and astaghfirullah for a lot of it but what im saying is that i know that its totally possible for me to sort of

be overzealous in my ideas to the point that it becomes highly detrimental to my mental health

but that said i got a whole lot of experience with social organizing and i understand movement building and alhamdilillah i have a much better understanding of the specific social issues that trouble me

what im saying

is that i speculate and suspect and fear that i am approaching a period of my life in which i’ll be dedicating a whole lot of my time and energy to social issues

because today on the bus i heard that seattle has one of the highest suicide rates in the country and my heart hurt and i wanted to cry just from that but it wasnt like before it wasnt because of fear or helplessness it was out of compassion because i didnt want people in seattle to suffer

i only live a few hours from seattle its a major cultural influence here and seattles problems reflect and influence the rest of the state

so seattle problems are olympia problems and i dont think i see olympia like a lot of people do

i see youth homelessness and normalized drug use and an lgbt community thats reliant as it always has been on the alcohol industry and adults who dont understand that encouraging 14-16 year olds to have sex is predatory behaviour

and i see people who are my age or older or much older who are unfazed by this and it is surreal

its hard for me to un-see this kind of suffering i guess

but this time gods blessed me with a group of kids who think the world of me

they are hope


and i need to not stress myself out so i can enjoy that blessing

i need to engage with social issues only to the extent that it doesnt put me on edge

because i might not be able to shut down drug cartels or take down the human trafficking industry

but i can sure as hell keep kids company while their alcohol cravings go away

that’s my job, not the other thing.