i always assume a teenage girl has an eating disorder unless i have evidence otherwise and when i hear of a suicide i take careful note of the method involved so i don’t accidentally say anything that might give someone the same idea i am surrounded by death and destruction in perpetuity and i really don’t think much of stuff like this anymore

the more i hear about my crews lives pre-me its just like… whose bright idea was it to leave these kids unattended… like im sorry i wasnt there to help im sorry i was a douchebaggy 21 year old like obviously i cant actually be sorry since my first response to seeing kids in need was to better myself immeasurably so i could be a responsible adult role model and keep em safe and damn successfully i might add but like…. you know. you know? i think only moms know this feel honestly tbh to be tbh

anyway i feel like i DOUBLLY have to keep the past boozeslcott stuff under wraps because like. i dunno if i’m like REALLY TRYING to come up with an excuse it’d be easy to convince myself to drink using the connection to my father. and unlike me L has an adult who actually loves the shit out of her. so.

tbh i looked up that song in m’s skype status its the beer by kimya dawson. and honestly it it really is about active alcholism i think. like. man. it just kinda takes me back to the brief period in my life where i was drinking like….. every single day which is really similar to what L was doing over the spring actually, like in that its not that i was gettin PLASTERED EVERY DAY (though some days yeah actually) but i was drinking like. a little bit every single day. just to kill my nerves a little. and it actually didn’t last that long. and i feel really bad for these similarities somehow as if it’s my fault L developed a drinking problem earlier this year even though thats RIDICULOUS because i dont think ive ever told anyone from the crew about my past booze difficulties, and we aren’t even *actually* genetically related but

anyway gettin kicked out of that house is the best thing to ever happen to me honestly i think. i was well on my way to developing like a really serious drinking problem and even if i almost killed myself after like. i’m alright now and that might not be the case if not for the fact that i never used substances when i was homeless, and became homeless. 

i really dodged a fuckin bullet honestly

im listening to this AA related podcast and on one hand its like lowkey my happy place because everyones really upfront about the shitty things they did in the past and honest about the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home and

yea its nice but maybe i oughta distance myself from it a little bit im not sure i like these thoughts in fact im like positive i don’t part of me wants to be honest about shitty stuff that happened to me and part of me wants to fucking bury it forever like theres not really a REASON to drudge up these memories

like the thing is that character arc is like…. way up and resolved so like no need to talk about it and take me back to old bad places EXCEPT for the sexual trauma stuff the sexual trauma stuff is maybe something i would benefit from talking about with someone who’ll listen but idk

O is a good person and a good friend and i cant make this post publicly right now because they’re pissed at me and this is just something you don’t want to hear from someone you’re pissed at but honestly i’m so glad that they are

like honestly nobody ever calls me on my shit, i don’t mean just crew i mean anyone ever in my life. and i end up with this weird standard of quasi infallability that i hold myself to and nobody else does

and im

its hard to describe my emotions right now but i am Really glad that there is someone out there with the respect for me to actually hold me accountable for something

i honestly didnt realise how much of my self confidence was tied up in my enrollment in higher education though

like when i was in school i Knew that i was doing something that WOULD for sure get me out of poverty and into some respected inexpendable social position somewhere

like five-figure-income respected??

like end-in-sight-for-this-backbreaking-poverty respected? maybe-able-to-afford-medical-treatment-before-chronic-pain-issues-become-irreversible respected? kids-don’t-have-to-sleep-on-a-yoga-mat-on-the-floor respected? maybe therapy respected?

i have an apprehension about the future that wasn’t there when i was enrolled in courses. i need to get enrolled in iowa really really soon, iA